freedom?

I think of all these brilliant things, but never seem to remember them when it comes time to write them down.  Of course.  Maybe i’ve just been watching too many documentaries.

My Psychology for Cultural Pluralism class is thought provoking.  I’m having issues with the victim routine though.  And the need to blame whole cultures for something that i. personally. never did. thought of. or conspired to do.  I don’t hate you.  Why then are you so angry at me?  We talked about earrings last week, and now this week i’m the enemy?  *sigh….    I know why.  it still sucks though.

The other Ethics class i’m in is getting me in trouble.  I’ve starting going up against the pompous 21 year old that thinks he knows everything bc he reads the finance section of the newspaper.  Granted he’s got me on the whole economic statistic spouting.  BUT i win on the logical humanistic approach.  I was very surprised that the kiddo could keep up with my tirade (sweet but firm diatribe), AND counter that.  It’s about time someone was willing to argue with me.  Poor kid.  lol.

In sad news:  My very good friend Alison’s father passed away 2 days ago.  He had been very sick, and it didn’t come as a complete shock.  But how can you ever be prepared for something like that.  You can’t.  And even though I’ve been through deaths too, there’s still not really anything i can say.  Only that i love her, and anything she needs i’ll take care of.  I feel so useless and stupid though.  Because i see so much struggle within her, and around her with her family….. and there’s nothing i can do.

it was the 4th of July last weekend.  My favorite holiday.  Independence, freedom, liberty.  It’s all about not being held back anymore.  So there’s lots of different types of freedoms out there.  One is the freedom you get from learning and thinking more than you’ve ever been challenged to.  Or freedom can be the release from a body that has long since betrayed you…..  right

we’re all free in our own ways.

i’ve recently become free of 20 lbs.

petty, but true.

a nice surprise

expectations are some funny little suckers.  i’ve heard if you expect it, then it will happen.  not always true tho.

not always true.  it wasn’t true.  I expected to feel emotional pain, i did not. 

waiting……

and i’m fine.  The thing is I have been fine for some time.  And with this, I’m fine. 

I did not expect to feel okay, because i was anticipating pain.  Not realizing I’ve done all the leg work thus far.

I think this is the me i’m supposed to be.  this one.  the one that is fine with everything. 

and happy.  for herself, and for others. 

the one that loves life for all it has to offer.  the good and the bad.  tho the bad isn’t all the bad after all, is it

i’m relieved that i’m fine now.  it was a nice surprise to end up that way.

heading off into a beautiful sunny weekend.  credit where credit is due.  thank you.

A priest, a rabi, and a chicken walk into a bar….

Ever get that feeling that something is just not right? I’ve felt that off and on for a couple weeks. And then sitting in front of my computer at work it suddenly got worse. I’m looking for an answer to something I am only guessing at. But i think deep down it just might be true. It may…. Is it?

Apart of me doesn’t want to know. It would put the very very last nail into this coffin that i’ve not completely been able to shut just yet. I think i’ve been waiting for this to happen so i could. This. This will do it. If only I would figure out if my inking is correct.

Why do i even care?? To be honest i wish i didn’t. Life would be so much easier for me if i didn’t

but i need to know.

so i can finally finally finally be free of everything. our past, for my future.

so i need you to be. i need you to have the white picket fence and the darling kids and the power suit, and the perfect family and life. I need you to do all that. To have all that.

Bc i can’t until you do.

SATC

so.  been awhile.

i went to see Sex and the City in the movie theatre a couple days ago.  cried 3 different times.

why does it still hurt?  i thought i was over this.  but instead i’m thinking too much again.  and everything reminds me of something i’m not supposed to miss.

May 2008

I’m baaaaaaack  =)

I’ve been thinking about stuff.  Mainly about my life.  And how I should be (okay~ am supposed to be) living it up.  You know I wrote down the pep-talk thing.  Look at it every couple of days.  I imagine clapping when i read it.  I wish i was kidding.  I never kid about clapping.  Some know this.

So after the good news of a normal biopsy, things started rolling.  My medical working experience landed me a nice job with a transcription company.  It’s great, i love the people and coffee hang out time.  AND the little dog that’s in the office.  Only downside is that i have to drive almost an hour to get up north to work.  It’s kind of cool that the stuff i know from the hospital is coming in very handy.  People ask me what this and that means and i can (sometimes) tell them!

So new job.  THEN i got accepted into the New College summer program at St. Ed’s.  Awesome.  It works out with my work schedule AND i can probably get my Psych stuff finished up pretty soon  =)

We did the Relay for Life last weekend.  Sarah, Rebekah, and I.  I had forgotten how sad all that can be.  I have finally gotten to the point where I think of my aunt and grandfather in a celebratory light.  I don’t see them as cancer-victims.  I see them as amazing people who get to be with me all the time in spirit.  Guiding me everyday.  So to see all the survivors and people who are battling now.  And then to look at all the luminaries (light up thing-ies that represent those lost or battling now) was hard.  Reminded me of the bad times and how hard it all was to watch it and go through it with my loved ones.  We raised a lot of money tho.  And I did 9 miles.  Thank you very much.

Today is my little brother’s 23rd birthday.  His college graduation is Friday.  My parents are throwing him a big huge party out at their house on Saturday.  Week later Luke and Michael (with his wife AND my nephews) are all leaving the country for over a month.

Lukey’s going to Costa Rica.  Michael and his fam are going to Brazil.

My best friend from high school is getting married.  Not this weekend, but next weekend.  So i’m going to that after the brothers leave the country.

The Sex and the City movie is coming out at the end of the month.  I’m pretty excited about that.  I’m a girl.  Shut up.

Other than that things are just chugging along.

I do wonder what you all are up to….. lemme know how life is going for ya…. hope all is fantastic

I DON’T HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!!

I GOT THE CALL JUST NOW!!!!

My biopsy results came in today, and

OMG it’s like 100 pound weight has been lifted from my shoulders

they said that there were no signs of dysplasia, and i just need to watch things and go back in a couple months to make sure things are still okay

oh wow. seriously.

just wow

thank you, everyone for the well wishes. and prayers. thank you.

Thank you.

tomorrow

I refuse to let anyone see me cry.  i will not cry in front of anyone.  i won’t do it.

my biopsy is tomorrow.

Felt numb all day, couldn’t figure out why for awhile.  it’s like my body knew and my head didn’t.

tomorrow.

tonight’s been hell, to be honest.  i just keep thinking about the what-if.  this could be real.  what if this is real

here we go again.  sobbing in front of the computer screen.  i can’t breathe

i don’t want to worry anyone, so i can’t call someone.  i just want, i don’t know what i want.  someone to sit next to me.  pat my back.  tell me it’s okay.  just be there when i’m trying to sleep.  so i don’t keep getting so scared.  so i don’t keep crying like i am.

if i start trying to think of someone to call i start to freak out again.  i’m the go-to person.  i don’t have a go-to person.  it doesn’t work like that.  i just can’t deal with my own shit

I’m in a commercial

I was booked for a commercial being filmed locally.  We filmed all day yesterday.  It was for Bank of America.  Lots of people were in it, so i’m not sure if you’ll even be able to spot me.  But it was fun.  I met some awesome people, which is going to turn into networking opportunities.  I’m pretty upbeat about all this.  I forgot how much i missed being around people who do what i want to do.  Play pretend all day.  Lol.  This was better than sitting in an auditorium like last time.

i’m not used to being on my feet all day, like when i was working at the hospital.  My legs still hurt.

=)  *yawn*

waiting

Doctor’s office called this morning. They have to reschedule my biopsy for next Monday now. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I can’t take this, i want to get it over with and at least know something!

waiting waiting waiting

this is my post #100. i had better plans for this milestone. life got in the way. damn it. this sucks.

i spent pretty much all of yesterday in bed. i’m ready to know and be better already. god this sucks

but i don’t know anything. it’s only a possibility right now. i’m going to ignore it until next week. nothing i can do about it now. not until next week. and no more crying about it damn it. 7 more days. what the hell am i going to do until then???

i think mom somehow thinks this is my fault. that i caused it. i don’t know. maybe i did. maybe i screwed up really badly and this is the result. i heard my mom on the phone with my brother telling him it’s bc of my poor diet. wtf?! this coming from the woman who survives off of bread, cheese, and wine?? and i’ve been really good this past year. but who knows… maybe it is something i did. maybe i made one too many mistakes and now… this.

i’m getting ahead of myself. this is all conjecture and i have to stop. i know. it’s like i’m taking this ball ball and wildly running with it. cramps aren’t as bad today. that’s good. right?

fuck fuck fuck

i need to distract myself.

maybe i’ll just get back in bed.

but people have it so much worse off than me. this is nothing compared to what some people have to go through. i HAVE to stop feeling sorry for myself. this is nothing. this will be nothing. i have to stop being such a ninny.

i’m not like this around other people. i don’t cry in front of anyone. only when i’m alone. i’m scared. *shrug

i have my little feel sorry for myself cry fest~ and then i’m okay.  see.  i’m done now.  i feel better.  i’m okay

I had my 6 month follow-up last week.  what were atypical cells have gotten worse, they are now pre-cancerous cells.  I am having a biopsy next Tuesday.

how can this be happening?  I don’t understand.  I’ve had the feeling lately that something wasn’t right.  I thought it was just dealing with Andy passing away.  And having it out with a good friend of mine.  And pretty much losing said friend of mine.  I’ve lost a lot of friends, when i think about it.  What is so wrong with me that people keep leaving.  I don’t understand what i’m doing that is so wrong.

I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out, i feel like the most pathetic person in the world right now.

I just want someone to tell me everything’s going to be ok.  I want you to tell me it’s ok.  But i lost you.  You’re gone and you aren’t coming back.  you’re never going to talk to me again.  or see me again.  and i’m so scared that all my chances to be happy are gone.  I wasted them.  Being awful and stubborn and selfish and naive.  you lied to me to make me feel better about myself once.  please tell me this one more lie, please fill me up with lies and stories and untruths~ just so i can make it through today.  Make it through tomorrow.  And deal with this the only way i know how.  Without you.  but the chances of you even reading this are pretty slim.  you’ve moved on, you’re happy, and i am happy for you.  truly i am.